-Sit down.
---I have to go.
-Dad, the view is gorgeous here. The sun is warm. You can dilly dally for a few minutes with your daughter.
--- Well, it certainly won’t kill me to enjoy the view, now will it?
- Ha ha.
……..The sound of the ocean is almost as loud as my own thoughts clanging in my head.
- Dad? Do you remember your favorite lecture to us about perspective? About how we see things in our own past and how they affect our future?
--- Lectures? I like to think of them as words of wisdom. Pearls of perspective. Gems of the geriatric, if you will.
- Riiight. And you used to argue with the San Francisco parking garage attendant that our GMC van was a “luxury vehicle” and not a truck. I don’t think he ever let us enter. You are too kind to yourself.
--- OK, fine. I remember my lectures, brat. What about them?
- What happens when that picture gets distorted? What happens when distance makes the heart grow fouler and we only remember the bad things? What happens when I argue with Karl and I only call him out on the bad things? When I honestly can’t offer one example of good behavior on either of our parts? Do you know how many times I’ve done that to him? Accused him of something bad only to be reminded of all the good things? I have to think hard about it, but dammit, he is usually right. I think he’s more frustrated with my faulty memory than my complaints. Why can’t I remember the good things?
--- You know that old story about having two wolves inside us? One represents good, and the other one evil, and the question is…
- Hey! Don’t make wolves the scapegoats again. Red Riding Hood. Three little pigs. Wolves get a bad rap.
--- Fine. Let’s make it tigers. Two tigers inside us. One perpetuates good. One perpetuates bad. Which one survives?
- I know the story. It depends on which one you feed, right?
--- Yes. Positive feedback loops are not limited to electronics and cybernetics. It’s true for the human psyche also.
- But how do you initiate that reaction Dad? How do you start your own positive feedback loop?
--- You try.
- And then?
--- And what happens happens. But you try.
- It’s not that easy!
--- How easy is it to not try? Why should we allow one option to be easier than the other? If it’s so easy for you to forget the good, why shouldn’t it be just as easy to remember. We make things more complicated for our brains than they need to be.
- It is much easier to not try. Funny how many things that is true about. But I *like* being lazy Dad. It's my trademark.
--- Nope. Don't you remember why I always called you "Avis?" You try harder.
- Crap. I was hoping you wouldn't remember that one.
….. ..We stand to go. I walk around the bench towards the green field, away from the pounding of waves on the rocks. He takes a step toward the ocean. I look, but the sun is hitting the waves with such sparkling glee I can’t make out anything but a misshapen lump against two shades of blue. I shield my eyes to no avail. I can’t see my father’s eyes anymore. But I know he is there.
- Dad?
-- Yes?
- I remember a lot of your lessons still. I won’t ever forget them. I may even subject my own kids to one or two of them.
………The blobs that are my father, the water, and the sky run together like wet watercolors.
-- I know. And I’ll be with you still, through our words.
- Happy birthday Dad.
The clouds pass over the sun and I see the bench beside the water. I see the waves and the rocks. The clamor of my thoughts dampen slightly as I take an extra moment to remember.
I liked that old GMC van.
