We all know there are some fundamental differences between men and women.  Well documented.  Indisputable.  Someone published a book about it.  It must be true.

Come to find out many of these differences can be tracked to communication.  Sometimes lack of communication.  Sometimes completely different forms of communication. 

I can’t say that Sweetie and I have never experienced misfires in our communication.  Or the way we do things.  Differences that may seem tiny can precipitate a fiery debate.  Yes, it happens.  I have learned that we each need to learn how to ask the other person for what we want and need.  You can’t be passive aggressive and expect your spouse to wash the dishes.  Especially when he is so willing to do the dishes, if you just ask.  It’s no good either - waiting to see who can outlast the other with a pile of dishes in the sink.  It’s a very well documented fact that 99.23-percent of men can outlast women in this regard.  Very well known fact.  They blow us out of the water.

Men often need things explicitly pointed out to them.  They are often *not* going to “get it” no matter how much you try and emote something at them.  Expecting your SO to understand is not enough.  But, come to find out, sometimes asking for behavior you want is also not enough. 

Case in point, when is late late?  In my book, arriving somewhere past 5 or 10 minutes after the appointed time is late.  I grew up with a father that would drive us to the airport 3 hours ahead of time, way before that was fashionable.  For me, showing up at least five minutes early is on time.  That is how I tend to time my arrivals.  For Sweetie, however, showing up less than 15 minutes late is on time.  Showing up 15 to 20 minutes after the appointed time is just slightly late.  “Late” doesn’t happen until some time after that.  He says that all his friends are used to him showing up late.  That’s just the way it is.  It’s not rude because they are used to it.

So, we get around to dinner time. 

Now here’s the thing - I don’t mind eating dinner later in the evening.  Sure, I grew up eating dinner at the unsightly hour of 5:30 p.m.  Don’t ask me why.  May have something to do with having a European mother, and they eat their big meal during the noon hour, and the evening meal isn’t such a big deal.  Maybe Dad got hungry early.  Who knows.  But I’ve adjusted to eating dinner later.  And I don’t completely mind when Sweetie shows up later than we set for dinnertime.  If we’re eating leftovers, or getting pizza or takeout, I don’t mind the time.  I mind more when I’ve taken the time to cook dinner for the two of us.  And yes, I have been known to huff and puff when he gets home late after I’ve been trying to juggle stove-top delights.  But generally, I’m learning to be flexible in this regard.

But this is the detail that drives me nuts.  Sweetie would call me every day, and every day he would ask me “What time do you want me home for dinner?”  Which puzzled, and then started to annoy me, because I’ve told him “If you ask me, I’m going to say the same thing every day.”  And I did.  But still he would ask.  Then show up late.  What I have told him is “I’d much prefer if you *tell* me what time you can make it home.  Don’t ask me the same question every day.”  I’d rather he tell me if he knows he has to work later.  We’ve had these conversations several times.  Many times.  May seem like a small thing.  Maybe it is.  If I was more like my hubby, and was a little more go-with-the-flow, it probably wouldn’t be an issue at all.  But the daily question was driving me nuts.

And I had a hard time requesting anything different because - it wasn't an issue with him.  And, sometimes, if it's not an issue with him, and I can't get my point across in less than 10 logical, persuasive, ready-to-be-debated points......well, he won't be able to see why it's an issue for me.  And, therefore, it's not an issue.  Direct request or no request.  In this respect, I have noticed that Sweetie is not completely unique amongst men.  Many men are not as empathetic as women, and no.....they won't just take it on faith that such-and-such is bad.  Or hurtful.  Or what have you.  Our female reactions are sometimes completely illogical to them.  And you have a hard time remembering illogical things, don't you?  Of course you do.  That's just the way it is.  Quadruply so if the man happens to be an engineer.

The bright spot?  I think my requests are starting to sink in.  Sweetie has been proactive in letting me know if he’s running late.  And, since that’s all I’ve asked for, I’m perfectly happy to eat dinner at any odd time of the evening.  Since I work less hours than he does, I can afford to be flexible with my time.  And I’m happy to get the “Hey I’m running late” phone calls because I know to wait a while before starting dinner.  How long did this take?  Only about 16 months.  Not to say that it’s fixed for good.  But I’m trying to throw a lot of positive reinforcement on the issue.  Men tend to react better to positive reinforcement then negative nagging. 

In that respect, we all speak the same language.